They Aim to Please
by CZeke
Summary: They could be relatives. They could be strangers. They're definitely insane. Onegai Twins taken just a wee bit closer to its logical extreme.


_Notes: Onegai Twins (a.k.a. Please Twins) is © Bandai. This is an exaggeration of the real thing._

_A *mild* exaggeration._

* * *

**They Aim To Please**

* * *

Miina and Karen. Looking across the table at their faces, so hopeful and caring, I was sure I was making the right decision.

"We all have the same picture," I said. "Either one of you could be my twin sister. So until we know for sure, you can both stay here."

In unison, they raised their clasped hands to their chins and went wide-eyed with glee. "Really? You mean it?"

I nodded. "Of course, you'll have to do the housework and the cooking."

"Anything else?" asked Miina excitedly.

"I can't think of anything."

"Really?" said Karen. "You're sure there's nothing else a healthy young man needs that we girls can provide?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Oh." For a moment, she seemed disappointed about something. Then she and Miina were back to jumping around in delight.

"Well, that's settled," I said, heading upstairs. "You two will have to share the guest room for now. I'll be working late, so go to bed whenever you want."

"Working late?" said Miina.

"Yeah. Deadline coming up."

Of course, I had written all the code for this particular project 15 minutes after it was assigned to me. I just had a policy of never finishing early; sometimes I even asked for more time. My employers thought programming was hard, and I encouraged this. After a few hours of arguing on 2channel and playing the generic MMO from _Lucky Star_, I came downstairs for a snack.

To my surprise, Miina and Karen were still bouncing around the room. "Have you two just been squealing this whole time?"

"It's so wonderful!" Karen squealed. "It's wonderful either way!"

Miina nodded eagerly. "If we're twins, then you're my brother! And if we're strangers... we can be even closer!"

Whoa. I hadn't been thinking of them that way. Now that she brought it up, I realized they were both cute girls. _Really_ cute. If I'd seen either of them at school, I would definitely have asked them out. Come to think of it, our school uniform would look great on --

"GAH!" I grabbed my head with both hands. What was I thinking?

The girls looked at me curiously. They must not have thought it through. "We can't even think about that stuff, you two," I said. "Until we know which one of you is my sister, we can't do anything that would be wrong if both of you were. I mean if one of you were. I mean..."

They looked confused. I was too. "The point is, no dating," I finished. "That could be a real mess later. It's just fine how it is, right?"

The girls smiled at me. They didn't answer, but they smiled.

Looking back, that should have been the first warning sign.

* * *

"I see the problem -- far too many girls in your house now. I'm afraid I'll have to move in. You don't mind sharing a bed, right?"

Shimazaki was my best friend, so I valued his advice. He was also the token over-the-top gay guy, so I had to ignore a lot of it. "This is serious," I told him. "One of these girls is my sister, and I don't know how we're going to find out which."

"Can't you just get a DNA test done?"

I sighed. "That was my first thought, but they cost a fortune."

"So does feeding two houseguests," Shimazaki pointed out. "Look, maybe I can help. How much is it exactly?"

I cited one of the lower figures I'd seen. Shimazaki went white. I could practically see the number spinning around in his brain, dwarfing whatever meager sum an average high school student would have on hand. "Yeah," I said.

"My God," he whispered. "If you _did_ owe me that kind of money... oh, the possibilities..."

I whacked him with my notebook. "Seriously, thanks for the thought, but it would take the whole class to raise that much."

"Or one bank job."

"That'll be Plan B," I said with a chuckle. "Come on now, help me think of some other way to find out."

No answer. I turned to look at Shimazaki... and leapt to my feet in surprise. He was gone!

"Is something wrong, Maiku?" I turned to see my senior, Tsubaki; she must have been passing by.

"Shimazaki was just here!" I said. "Did you see where he went?"

She shook her head. "Maybe he remembered some appointment and had to run."

"Without saying anything? Please." I kneeled to look under the bench we'd been sitting on. "This is Japan! We apologize for apologizing here!"

"Hmm. Well, I'll help you look for -- mmph!"

"Tsubaki?" I stood up just in time to see her being dragged into the bushes with a gag in her mouth. "Hey!"

The kidnapper was quick, but I was quicker. In a few seconds I'd caught up. I put all my momentum into a body-slam and pinned the kidnapper to the ground, working one arm around back at an angle I hoped was painful. "Talk!" I shouted. "What's going on here?"

I expected an answer. I got "Nyu!"

My brain, having taken a back seat in all the excitement, now got around to informing me that the kidnapper (a) was a girl, (b) had green hair, and (c) had a very familiar voice. "Karen?"

"Hi, Mr. Maiku! Can you turn me over, please? It's no fun this way."

I rolled off Karen's back and helped her up. "Why are you at my school?" I asked. "Wait, first of all, what were you doing with Tsubaki?"

"Interference!" she said brightly.

I raised an eyebrow. "Interference with what?"

"She was obviously hitting on you. She's a bad girl, Mr. Maiku. I won't let her trick you!"

My brain had now caught up enough to see where this was going. "Then Shimazaki..."

"Hi Mike!" called out Miina, emerging from behind a tree. She had a rope in one hand.

"I told you to stop calling me that. It's stupid. Now where is he?"

"Right here!" Pulling on the rope, Miina dragged a thoroughly hog-tied Shimazaki out into the open. She was grinning, clearly proud of her handiwork.

"More interference, right?" I sighed. "It won't work. He'll just enjoy it."

Shimazaki rolled his eyes, but didn't deny it. That might have been because of the gag in his mouth, though.

I took the girls aside. "What do you two think you're doing? This is almost as bizarre as it is illegal."

In unison, they replied, "Love love alliance!"

I had a horrible feeling I knew what that meant, but I asked anyway.

I was right. "We're not letting anyone else get you," explained Miina. "We don't know which one of us can be with you, but you've got to stay single until we find out. So whatever it takes, we'll protect you from wanton harlots like these two!"

"We talked about this!" I threw up my hands in frustration. "Either one of you could be my sister, remember? It would be crazy to entertain any romantic thoughts until we know for sure!"

"It's true," Karen said to Miina. "We _could_ be relatives."

"But we could be strangers," she countered.

"But we could be _relatives_."

"But we _could_ be strangers."

"But we --"

"Enough!" I shouted. "We'll talk about this later. For now, just go home, okay? We'll all get in trouble if anyone sees this. You're not even students here."

Miina and Karen traded a glance that said _Are you thinking what I'm thinking?_. They chirped "Okay!" to me and ran off in the direction of the school building.

"Wait! Even if you sign up as students, you can't do stuff like... oh, forget it." At least this would keep them out of trouble for a while. And I _would_ get to see them in sailor out-- NO. No. Bad. Might be sisters. Remember.

I came over to Shimazaki and started untying him. "The potential twins, I take it?" he asked once the gag was off.

"Yeah. Sorry about all this. They're new here."

"So they're from someplace where kidnapping is legal?"

"Uh... well, the important thing is they'll learn."

I helped Shimazaki up. He quickly excused himself and hurried to class; I considered going too, but decided against it. I needed to think about things, and I had a little understanding with the school officials -- they didn't mind if I missed a class now and then due to my extenuating circumstances. After all, I had to support myself, and programming was _such_ hard work.

I headed home, still pondering what to do with these strange quasi-sisters of mine.

A few hours later, I remembered to go back and untie Tsubaki.

* * *

Weeks passed. Not by much, though. If I'd been grading them, I don't think I would have been so lenient.

Don't get me wrong -- I loved having Miina and Karen around. They were the first real family I'd ever been part of. The girls might not have been much help with the rent, but I'd never been happier to pay it. We had it good, the three of us. Really.

But my brain must have been wired differently from theirs, because the incest thing just _did not bother_ them. Sure, they would say it did, but ten minutes later they'd be back to flirting at me. My protests didn't seem to matter. In fact, if anything, it was getting worse.

How much worse? Well, this particular morning, I was in the shower for an hour. See, I forgot to lock the bathroom door, and Miina walked in on me. She let out this embarrassed scream you could hear for a mile around, apologized profusely... and _stayed there_. It took me half an hour, hiding behind the curtain, to get her to leave. I locked the door after her. Then Karen knocked, and I had to spend another half hour arguing that no, her love alliance with Miina did not entitle her to walk in on me as well.

Needless to say, breakfast was cold. And laced with aphrodisiacs. _Again._

The whole thing was really starting to get to me. I needed a break. After making sure the girls weren't following me, I headed out on my motorcycle for a Sunday drive.

Ahh, now this was more like it. Cool breeze, sunshine, just me and the open road. I drove for nearly an hour without a complex thought in my head. At last I realized I was near the cliffside viewing spot, and decided to break there for lunch.

I parked the 'cycle beside a bench and got out the lunchbox Karen had prepared for me. As usual, it was flawless, from the wrapping paper to the contents. Karen had a real touch for --

Wait a minute. What was that taped under the lid? Looked like a picture...

It was. The picture consisted of three stick figures, labeled with our names. The Maiku and Karen figures had a heart between them. The Miina figure was being eaten by a bear.

I lost my appetite. Well, I _wanted_ to, anyway, but like I said, Karen was a mean chef. I settled for eating slower.

As I sat pondering the strange mess my life had become, I suddenly realized I wasn't alone. Some distance away, a boy and girl about my age were sitting at the edge of the cliff. I recognized the boy after a moment: it was a classmate of mine, Matagu. He and the girl were near enough that I couldn't help overhearing their conversation.

"So what do you think?" Matagu asked.

"About what?" the girl replied.

Matagu sighed. "Weren't you listening to what I just said?"

"Nope! Not at all!" She was utterly guileless. Must be that little sister Matagu was always talking about.

"Well, listen this time, okay? It's really important!"

Matagu cleared his throat. Surprised to see him acting so earnest, I paid close attention.

"I've been thinking about boy/girl relationships," he said. "A lot of the most successful ones happen between couples who have known each other since they were little kids, right? It's natural that a boy and girl who grew up together would develop a deep sense of togetherness based on their shared experiences."

Boy, that hit close to home. Miina, Karen, and I were just getting to know each other now; our absentee parents had denied us a proper childhood together. I wished --

"So logically, the _best_ romances happen between brother and sister!"

Wait. What?

"You and I are perfect for each other, Haruko! We know each other inside and out! Why should we be kept apart by some stupid taboo? Sure, people talk about how 'risky' inbreeding is, but it's like they've never heard of vasectomies!"

I could not _possibly_ be hearing this correctly.

"So what do you say, sis? Why don't we make a go of it?"

"A go of what?" she asked, head in the clouds.

Matagu grabbed her by the shoulders. "Come on, I'm serious! I love you, Haruko! I want us to do this and that together! Tell me you'll be mine!"

The girl stared at him for a second... and then burst out laughing. "Ha ha! You're so stupid, big brother!" She gave Matagu a tremendous whack on the back.

Matagu pitched forward and plummeted over the edge of the cliff, screaming.

"Oops! That was too hard! Sorry, big brother!"

I couldn't move. It had happened so fast I was frozen with horror.

"...Big brother? You can come back now!"

"He's _dead!_" I yelled.

Haruko turned to notice me and laughed. "That's silly! I was _slapping_ him, not killing him!"

I ran for my motorcycle. Somebody had to get help, and this space cadet clearly wasn't about to. I was halfway back to the main road when I noticed someone standing behind an expensive-looking video camera with a telephoto lens. "Do you have a cell phone?" I yelled. "Call for emergency services, quick!"

"Hmm?" a calm voice replied.

"Didn't you see what happened? Your camera's pointing..." Wait a minute. "Student Council President, is that you?"

"Good morning, Maiku," she replied, stepping back from the lens. It was Ichigo Morino all right. I'd know that height anywhere.

"So you saw all that? Have you called for help?"

"Of course," she said with a sly smile. "No need for you to zoom off."

I sighed with relief, but not a lot of it. "Poor Matagu. It's probably too late for him..."

"Did you learn anything from the conversation?"

"What?"

She chuckled. "His dilemma makes an interesting counterpoint for yours, don't you think?"

"Er. You mean his, um... interest in his sister?"

"No. I mean his sister killing him by accident."

I didn't like anything about this conversation. "I should be on my way now," I told her.

"Good idea. Miina and Karen are waiting."

Surpressing a shudder, I mounted my cycle again. I was about to turn the key when I noticed something I couldn't ignore. "Student Council President, that red light on your camera... it's recording, isn't it?"

Chuckling again, she looked at me with eyes that would have made the Joker cringe. "You have no idea how many fetishes that scene catered to," she said.

I broke land speed records getting home.

* * *

In my dream, I was lying in a desert. I had been there for fifteen years. It was empty. I was starving.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw a glimmer of light. I squinted -- it was water! Could there be an oasis in that direction?

Only one way to find out. I began struggling to my feet. As I did, I caught sight of _another_ light, this one in the other direction. More water! After all this time, two miracles had come at once!

But which oasis was closer? I couldn't tell... and it didn't matter. My legs were rooted in place. I was standing, but I couldn't walk.

Wait. Were those lights getting bigger?

The water was coming to me! From both directions!

Faster and faster they moved! Bigger and bigger they grew! They couldn't just be oases after all! They were rivers, or waterfalls, or...

Or tidal wMMMMRRRPHH!

* * *

I woke at the moment of impact. The twin tsunamis had crushed my bones to pulp. My lungs still felt like they were filled with water. I couldn't breathe...

Oh, never mind. It was just Miina's tongue in my mouth.

It was WHAT? "Miinrph! Get off me!"

She sat back up, a wicked grin on her face. She was totally naked, of course.

"What are you doing in my room, Miina?"

"Your room?" Miina looked in all directions. "Isn't this the shower? Heh, I must still be half-asleep."

"Oh, well of course. It's just an innocent mistake. I thought you had a goddamn _alliance!_"

"What's an alliance? Is that when a boy and a girl --"

"No!"

"Oh, well then is it..." She whispered the rest into my ear. I can't repeat it. I don't remember it. I think my short-term memory committed suicide in self-defense.

"Get the hell out of my room!" I yelled, shoving her off me and trying _desperately_ not to realize what I had touched in doing so.

"Ow!" she yelped.

Uh oh. "Sorry! Are you hurt?"

"I think I bruised something, you jerk! How could you do that to your own sister?"

"I swear, I didn't mean to. Sorry." I came over and helped Miina up.

She immediately pushed me back into my bed. "But just for tonight," she said, slithering over me, "how 'bout we assume I'm _not_ your sister... and then you can do whatever you want to me, hmm?"

"INAPPROPRIATE!" came an outraged yell from the doorway.

Process of elimination made the newcomer obvious, but Miina and I looked anyway. "Karen!" we exclaimed -- I with relief, she with dismay.

"How could you?" Karen yelled at Miina. "This breaks all 72 alliance rules! And _you_, Mr. Maiku! Have you forgotten that you and Miina might be relatives?"

"But we might be strangers!" Miina protested.

"But you _might_ be relatives!"

"But we might be _strangers_!"

"But we... oh, forget it. Go, Little Wonder!"

At Karen's command, in came her little flying alien Gazoo thing that I had decided, for the sake of my sanity, not to believe in. I tried to ignore it while it rendered Miina unconscious with what looked like an oversized Prech stick.

"Lucky wave!" said Karen, giving a little wave to her unconscious "ally" as the nonexistent floaty creature dragged her back to her room.

I sighed. "Thanks, Karen."

"It's all right," she said, closing the door. Wait, why was she --

"Oof!"

Karen straddled me, pinning me down. "Now then, Mr. Maiku..." she said while sliding off her pyjama top... "you've been a very bad boy, playing with Miina like that. Karen's going to have to make sure you learn your _lesson_."

She leaned in close and whispered "Pencils up..."

* * *

I pawned my motorcycle. I tripled my workload. I sold Shimazaki into slavery. For the last hundred bucks, I traded my soul to Ichigo.

I had no choice. I needed that DNA test _now_.

Getting the samples was easy. I just asked each girl for a lock of her hair. This triggered a little war between them to see who could give me the most locks. By the end of the day they were both bald and had started giving me... other things.

I didn't care about that. I didn't care when the floaty thing grew their hair back. I didn't even care that their hair was somehow naturally pink and green respectively. All I wanted was their DNA so this could finally end.

I blew off school the next day and went to the lab. The process was straightforward. But the _results_...

"Miina! Karen!" I called as I came in the door. I had no idea how they would take this, but no sense wai--

"DIBS!" yelled both girls. They flew out of nowhere, grabbed me from opposite sides, and started pulling.

"Let go!" I said, wincing.

"You heard him, Karen! Let go!"

"And let _you_ have all the sex? I don't think so!"

"Okay, that DOES it!" I yelled, shaking both girls loose. "There's no sex! There never was any, there's never going to _be_ any! And here's why!"

I slammed the envelope I was carrying on the floor. The girls approached it.

"I got a DNA test done on the three of us," I said. "And you know what? It turned out we're _all_ related! We're not twins at all! We're triplets!"

Miina and Karen looked through the papers in the envelope. As they read the results, their faces...

...lit up?

"Miina, do you realize what this means?" cried Karen.

"You bet I do!" exclaimed Miina. They began crawling towards me.

"Um... girls?" I tried to back away, but it was too late.

"_Threesome!_" they shouted, pouncing on me in perfect unison.

* * *

Pleasure can kill. So can crazy people. Twins do it twice as fast.

If you're reading this, you're my last hope. I beg you -- bring my story to civilization. Get help. Tell them to be ready for anything.

Save me before my body gives out, or worse, I lose the will not to enjoy this.

Please!

**END**


End file.
